Lies About The Presidents

Barack Obama

2009-01-22T20:59:00.000-08:00

Although it is widely known that Barack Obama served in the Korean War, the details of his accomplishments there are only now coming to light. As Captain of the only combat-ready dirigible to see action during the conflict, Obama’s exploits are almost unbelievable. In his first mission there, the “Barack Blimp” surprised enemy troops by innocently drifting over Hanoi, and giving away country music cassettes to the unsuspecting local militia (Obama had, prior to the war, found success as a Texas DJ, specializing in country/hillbilly music). The mesmerized locals were subsequently “caught with their Wranglers down”, too busy line-dancing to notice the paratrooping “dirigibillies”, and were taken prisoner.

Millard Fillmore

2007-01-07T03:10:00.000-08:00

Of all the great controversies and conspiricies associated with the highest office of North American politics, perhaps the greatest is the sad story of Millard Fillmore. Shrouded in mystery for centuries, we now know the following to be true: while campaigning for Attorney General in 1732, Fillmore met with horrible tradgedy at the hands of a rabid buffalo. He was brutally trampled to death by the unfeeling beast, with little left in the aftermath, save his skinny leather necktie. Fillmore's supporters were determined, however, that all their hard work would not go to waste, and quickly fashioned a 'new' Millard Filmore out of a smartly trimmed Blue Sap Maple tree, attired in Fillmore's extra suit. Shoes had to be specially designed to support the tree. Little is known of the actual Fillmore presidency, proving that his advisors had been correct in their judgement that they could run the nation with competence.

The "Millard Maple", before and after.

George Washington

2006-08-08T13:37:00.000-07:00

Prior to serving as President of The United States (POTUS), George Washington was the first President of the Star Trek Fan Club. Voting for this prestigious post was controversial, as Washington refused to show his collection of memorabilia with any member who wouldn't promise to vote for him. Regretfully, all copies of his colour photo of Nichelle "Uhuru" Nichols in a skimpy swimsuit are now believed lost. Later, after Washington was elected POTUS, attendees of the Inaugural Ball were required to wear Spock Ears (which were made of wood, in those days).

Richard Nixon

2006-06-11T10:36:00.000-07:00

Richard Nixon required that each of his cabinet members receive training to be journeyman-level (or higher) horse riders, because an uncle taught him to never trust a man who couldn't handle a horse.

Nixon (left) shown here in a White House promotional shot with vice-president Goldwater.

Harry S. Truman

2006-06-08T14:11:00.000-07:00

Harry S. Truman used to sneak out of The White House late at night, to roam the 'mean streets' of the nation's capitol. Once out in this 'real world', he took the nom de plume "DJ Rapper Estru", and consistently wowed the late-night DC club scene. Presidential aides began to suspect Truman's other life when they found his secret stash of Shalamar lp's.

George W. Bush

2006-06-04T13:10:00.000-07:00

George W. Bush was elected president as a sort of 'reward' from the American people, for his service to the country during the Franco-Prussian War.

Mr. Bush is the son of former President Rosalyn Carter.

George W. Bush, in a photo taken before colour photography was widely available

Former President Carter, during the difficult 'Falkland War' Years

John Kennedy

2006-05-31T13:59:00.000-07:00

John Kennedy could wrinkle his nose and forehead with such distinctiveness that friends often called him, with great affection, "The Wrinkler".

Kennedy pictured here with his famous niece, actress Maureen Stapleton.

Andrew Johnson

2006-05-30T12:52:00.000-07:00

Andrew Johnson formed a cabinet entirely of men named "Andrew", until a frustrated Congress passed a law specifically against this practice.

Abraham Lincoln

2006-05-29T10:41:00.000-07:00

Abraham Lincoln dabbled as a science fiction writer. All his work was believed lost until 1981, when a manuscript of "Venus Colony Brouhaha" was found in a Calgary farmhouse.

Grover Cleveland

2006-05-28T02:36:00.000-07:00

Grover Cleveland was named afte the popular Sesame Street character, because of a weird dream his mother once had.

Jimmy Carter

2006-05-27T01:01:00.000-07:00

Jimmy Carter routinely flew 'economy' during his administration, after hearing that Dolly Madison had nearly died on Air Force One, as a result of choking on a chicken bone.

Dwight Eisenhower

2006-05-25T13:36:00.000-07:00

Dwight Eisenhower was the inventor of modern sign language. His achievement was overshadowed by the simultaneous outstanding work of Asenby, Cundall & Littlethorpe, who developed the first effective treatment for whooping cough, and in doing so edged out "Ike" for the 1966 Nobel Prize.

William Henry Harrison

2006-05-24T12:50:00.000-07:00

William Henry Harrison was famous for his talents as a speed-reader. It was not until long after his death that America learned the sad truth- he faked the whole thing. In truth, he was a poor reader.

Gerald Ford

2006-05-23T13:35:00.000-07:00

Gerald Ford had titanium shielding and a high-energy, multi-spectral death ray (the latter was not used during his administration).

John Quincy Adams

2006-05-22T10:24:00.000-07:00

John Quincy Adams found time during his presidency to serve as editor of a weekly White House newsletter ("The Freedom Flyer"), often contributing to the advice column under the pseudonym "Adam Quinney".

Ronald Reagan

2006-05-21T12:47:00.000-07:00

Since Ronald Reagan was born in Ecuador, he had to apply for, and receive, a special waiver from Congress to become president. His wife was able to co-sign the application for him as a Native American; she is 1/16 Arapahoe!

Thomas Jefferson

2006-05-20T14:40:00.000-07:00

Thomas Jefferson is the only president to travel to all seven continents in one week; ironically, he hated to travel, often suffering from motion sickness.

George Bush

2006-05-20T06:25:00.000-07:00

George Bush was born "Roger Loufwalter", but changed his name to be further up in the alphabet. The strategy later backfired, for unknown reasons. His full name was "George Herbert Walker Texas Ranger Bush".

Theodore Roosevelt

2006-05-20T03:05:00.000-07:00

Theodore Roosevelt privately loved modern dancing, but publicly denounced it as "not an activity I encourage". Roosevelt was the great-uncle of future president Helmut Kohl.

John Tyler

2006-05-18T11:05:00.000-07:00

John Tyler was so sensitive that he frequently used a White House library as a private 'get-away' when his presidential tasks proved too stressful. Cynical journalists dubbed him "John Cryler".

Calvin Coolidge

2006-05-17T12:54:00.000-07:00

Calvin Coolidge cut his own hair; he designed a complex series of mirrors, and negotiated their movement with pulleys and hydraulic servo-actuators. This enabled him to see all sides of his head at the same time.

Rutherford B. Hayes

2006-05-16T13:08:00.000-07:00

Comic book writer Stan Lee based his 'Spider-Man' story on the life of Rutherford B. Hayes. In the case of President Hayes however, it was not a spider-bite on the hand, but instead a rabid armadillo that nibbled on his calf; within a few days, the teenage Rutherford would instinctively deploy nine levels of boney plating when threatened.

Despite his rise to the presidential office Hayes was largely ineffectual as a national leader, due to his insistance on yelling his so-called battle-cry (Dillo!) during official government sessions. Hayes' vice-president (coincidentally named Stan Lee) was dubbed by Hayes: "Anteater Boy", (Hayes believing Lee to be his 'faithful sidekick').

By 1848 Hayes was forced from office after he became convinced that the Prussian Ambassador was his arch-nemesis, "The Falconer".

Lyndon B. Johnson

2006-05-15T23:46:00.000-07:00

Lyndon B. Johnson originated the long-running White House tradition of donating tropical fish to the Washington/Tri-Counties Zoo every November. Johnson was also the first president to move back into the White House, after Morroccan troops burned it down in the War of 1812.

John Adams

2006-05-15T13:04:00.000-07:00

John Adams, although right-handed, signed all important documents left-handed, believing this would prevent forgeries.

Franklin Pierce

2006-05-15T11:19:00.000-07:00

Franklin Pierce had a normal body temperature of 103 degF, enabling him to think faster than 4 of the 9 Supreme Court Justices.

William McKinley

2006-05-14T23:22:00.000-07:00

William McKinley raised ferrets in the White House, until one of them bit a visiting dignitary.

Herbert Hoover

2006-05-14T13:11:00.000-07:00

Herbert Hoover allowed his wife, Julia, to make all the decisions on Fridays.